You know how they always say, "Don't lose sleep over someone who isn't losing sleep over you."? Well, that is easier said than done. I've slept two hours and I cannot, no matter how hard I try, get back to sleep. I have too many words that need to escape.
You know when you see a little child break a toy, and it stops working, then they toss it aside and get something else to play with? That's my heart right now. It's that toy that got broken and tossed aside.
Last night was the. hardest. night. of my life. The man who I have loved for 7 years, the one I told you about several years ago, told me he found someone else. Not only that, he is moving out of the home he shares with the mother of his kids so he can be with her. But, a few short months ago, he wasn't going to leave her because of the kids.
He was confronted by my friend in front of this new woman, who, up until they pulled up in the driveway, had no idea that I existed. She had no clue. None. He told my friend that he had love for me but wasn't in love with me anymore. It would have been nice to know that last week when I got a text that said, "You are loved by me." To me, that means there is something there that you'd like to continue working on, to fix, together. Silly me.
All the things that were wrong with us, all the reasons I held back throughout the years so as to guard my heart, he is fixing. With someone new. After a month. A MONTH. When I chose to fix the issues on my side 3 years ago (read letting go of my "baby daddy"), I chose him. Because that's what you do when you love someone. Am I right?
By now you're probably ready to punch him through a wall, right? I'm not. I have MAD love for him. Not in a stupid, "Oh, I'll never love anyone else" kind of way but in a seriously deep, spiritual kind of way. It's scary. Truly, madly, deeply, scary. He's always felt it too. It's never been one-sided.
It's why I thought we were strong enough to fix it. It's why I chose to be brave and say all the things that I needed to say. It's why I still hold onto hope. It's why when he was telling me his feelings for her, I flashed back to him telling me those same EXACT feelings he felt for me. It's why when everybody was talking and laughing, and thought I was asleep, I was in the corner with my face towards the sky praying for God to take the shattered pieces of my heart and gently put it back together.
I can't count all the tears I have shed. I'm nowhere near done crying. I'm nowhere near ready to get over him and move on. It will happen in time. It's going to take a lot of time to heal. Countless prayers and lots of time. Good thing that whole "pray without ceasing" thing is a major part of who I am. Otherwise, I'd be a mess. Ok, a messier mess.
We met at Kim and Robby's house. It's only fitting that this chapter closed 7 years later at Kim and Robby's house.
Love is never lost, it simply moves like the ocean, changing currents and pulling those brave enough to explore it into the undertow.